FAKE NEWS! AREA RACIST BELOVED BY ETHNIC NEIGHBORS A HELLUVA GUY! Area man Dave Starr is held in high esteem by his neighbors of foreign descent, despite his bigoted hatred of all non-Caucasians. "Some people say he's a racist," says Tom Washington, a black man who has lived three houses down from Starr for almost ten years, "but I got nothing bad to say about him. In fact, just the other day, I was in line at the grocery store when I see the meter maid walking towards my car, and I knew my time had expired. Well, just then Dave appears, and he musta recognized my Chevette 'cause he put a couple quarters in the meter. He looked at me through the store window and I waved to him, but he just gave me the finger and walked away. Still, the dude saved me twenty bucks, so I can't complain." Starr has been know to demonstrate similar generosity towards Tong Woo, his next door neighbor. "I open the front door to get my morning paper," says Woo, "and I see Dave mowing my lawn. I yell 'thanks, buddy!' and he looks at me and yells 'go back to China!' When he came back to trim my hedges, I told him he was wrong. I come from Thailand." Neighbor Jose Vasquez tells a similar tale. "I went over to borrow some bathroom cleaner, because my car was in the shop and I didn't have time to walk to the store. So he disappears for a minute, and then comes back to the door with a fresh bottle of Spic & Span. Sure, he underlined the word "Spic" with a big black marker, but his gesture sure saved the day." SHE'LL TAKE A SCRUB "CALL ME!" Area woman Loshanda Jackson wants all scrubs within a thirty mile radius of her home to know that she's available. "Unlike those picky bitches from TLC, I ain't that particular. It don't matter to me if you hang out the passenger side of your best friend's ride, tryin' to holler at me. In fact, I would welcome the attention." Loshanda, a temp worker who can type 45 words per minute, also wants area scrubs to know that she's been financially independant for the past twelve years, and she isn't looking for anyone to pay her bills, her telephone bills, or her automo-bills. "I got an itch what ain't been scratched since 1987... Scrub or no scrub, I'll take it any way I can get it." SHIT HITS FAN ON SPACE SHUTTLE MISSION WHAT'S THAT SMELL? Crewmembers aboard the Champion space shuttle faced potential disaster this week when their zero-gravity waste disposal system malfunctioned, filling the cabin with a thick mist of shit. "There is no gravity in space," explained mission commander Rhonda Manly, "so the shuttle's toilet uses blasts of directed air. Yesterday, one of the flow valves got jammed, and captain Humphrey's shit got sucked into it. That's when the shit hit the fan." Currently, the situation appears to be under control. While captain Humphrey remains forcibly quarantined in the closet-sized head where most of the shit is still trapped, the remaining crew have been hard at work cleaning up shit with handi-vacs. "We managed to suck up most of the shit within an hour of the incident," said Manly, "but it still reeks of shit in here." The Champion is scheduled to land later this week, afterwhich it will either be set on fire or given away to a third-world country where they aren't so squeamish about shit. EVEN MORE FAKE NEWS! CAROL IS A SURVIVOR, JUST LIKE ON THE TV SHOW! “I’M NO VICTIM!” VICTIM CLAIMS Area home-maker Carol Maynard may have been brutally gang-raped, tortured, and beaten to within an inch of her life by a dozen assailants while her horrified children were forced to watch, but the last thing this plucky lady wants is your pity. “I am not a victim,” wheezes Carol from her hospital bed, where she lies, paralyzed from the neck down, her body perforated by surgical tubes that nourish her and perform the life-saving task of extracting feces and urine from her body. “These days, it seems everyone is calling themselves a victim,” Carol continues between agony-drenched howls, “and this victim culture is getting really out of hand.” Strong words indeed, especially coming from a woman who recently lost three-quarters of her blood supply after being slashed 37 times about the head, neck and torso with a carpet knife. While a team of grim-faced nurses takes turns changing the dressings on her innumerable lacerations, puncture wounds and cigarette burns, Carol continues to express her disdain for the blame-game, which she sees as being endemic to our nation’s current obsession with political correctness. “People should take responsibility for their lives and pick themselves up by their boot-straps. So you had a bad childhood. Who didn't? So your great-great-grandfather was brought to this nation in chains. Just get over it and get on with your life, already. I, for one, am sick of all the whining.” As visiting hour draws to a close and she begins to sink into a morphine-fueled stupor, Carol leaves this reporter with one final, inspiring thought. “Sure, they may have sliced off my eyelids, shit in my mouth, and snapped my neck like a twig… but they didn't break my spirit. And above all, they'll never ever make a victim out of Carol Maynard.” Postscript - Sadly, two days after her interview with The Daily Dirt, Carol Maynard succumbed to her injuries. AND HERE'S SOME MORE FAKE NEWS! IDIOTS REJOICE AT YESTERDAY'S DECISION KANSAS SCHOOL BOARD REJECTS SEX! TOPEKA, Kansas - The Kansas Board of Education rejected the teaching of human sexuality in any way, shape or form this week, dealing a victory to religious conservatives who have called for a return to the days when schools taught that newborns are delivered directly from heaven by a magical stork. The 10-member board, ignoring pleas by educators, scientists, and medical doctors, voted 6 to 4 to embrace new standards for sex education curricula that eliminate any mention of the sex act having anything to do with either human reproduction in particular or the propagation of biological species in general. Prior attempts by fundamentalist religious groups to include "stork science," or storkism, in school curricula included a failed attempt in Arkansas to require that it be taught alongside sex education. Prior to this week's vote, the owners and operators of Kansas's six largest brothels wrote a letter saying that the new standards "will set Kansas back a century and give hard-to-find call girls, escorts and street-walking whores no choice but to pursue other career fields or assignments outside of Kansas." Religious groups have argued that the evidence showing a cause-and-effect relationship between the sex act and pregnancy is circumstantial at best, and probably goes against the Bible, depending on how you interpret some of the weirder parts. "Rejoice brethren!" exclaimed board member Henrietta Hogg, who opposes not only the teaching of sex education in schools, but also the sex act, itself. "Finally, we can be secure in the knowledge that our schoolchildren will be able to face Our Heavenly Father after the Rapture without any thoughts of filthy, throbbing acts of fornication in their precious little heads." Even among conservatives on the board, however, the decision has not been without controversy. Area junk dealer Wilbur Nackers, for instance, feels that the stork theory "has the reek of witchery to it," and would have preferred that his boy be taught that he was "found in a pumpkin patch, where he was laid down by the Lord Christ Jesus, himself." Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com

ON THESE DAYS! July 18 On this day in 1969, after an afternoon spent on Chappaquiddick Island where he had and a few friends had organized a special "appreciation party" honoring six former campaign workers for then-recently-slain presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy, Massachusetts Senator Edward "Ted" Kennedy drives his Oldsmobile off a bridge and into the drink. The exact details of what happened next remain unclear, but there are three facts which are absolutely incontestable: 1. Though the water was shallow and escape relatively easy, Kennedy left his passenger, Mary Jo Kopechne, to drown. 2. Kennedy didn't inform officials about the accident until ten hours later, all but sealing Kopechne's fate. 3. Ted's uninterrupted, thirty-five year stint as Senator for the state of Massachusetts is proof positive that the fine folks of Beantown and environs are forgiving - perhaps to a fault - of their home-town fuckups. July 19 On this day in 2001, James Howard Hatfield - author of the highly critical and controversial Dubya biography Fortunate Son - is found dead in an Arkansas hotel room, victim of an apparent "suicide." Hatfield's most contentious claim was that Dubya had been arrested for a massive cocaine deal back in the early seventies, and that Daddy Bush had to pull some major freight to get the charges erased from the public record. Yer old pal Jerky was a spectator of the Hatfeild saga from pre-release buzz through post-release controversy to character assassination attempts (Hatfield had a criminal record) through the unprecedented mass-burning of the original run through the second printing at Soft Skull Press through the revelation that Karl Rove, himself, was a source for the cocaine story through the author's convenient and all-too familar hotel-room suicide. Shades of Danny Casolaro. Shades of Steve Kangas. But no matter what one thinks of the author as a man, Fortunate Son, for all its troubled history, remains a book about which respected social critic Mark Crispin Miller said: "If there's any future for American democracy, the trashing of Fortunate Son and its author will eventually stand out as an important early episode in the history of the Bush reaction." It is also a book which you should buy now, while you still can. July 20 On this day in 1991, Growing Pains star and Tiger Beat pin-up mainstay Kirk Cameron marries his co-star, the statuesque and angular Chelsea Noble. After the ceremony, the two promptly drop out of the mainstream entertainment industry and join Hollywood's Christian underground, where Kirk started work on a series of eagerly apocalyptic movies that shamelessly parade themselves as true prophecy. Oh well... it could be worse. he could be cracking bitter Scott Baio jokes as Bibleman, like fellow Christian undergrounder Willie Ames. On this day in 1969, Niel Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin slip the surly bonds of earth and touch the face of God. Meanwhile, back on planet earth, yer old pal Jerky LeBeouf is conceived on the first night of his folks' honeymoon. Coincidence? YOU BE THE JUDGE! July 21 On this day in 1990, Roger Waters and a cast of dozens perform the infamous prog-rock opera The Wall on the very site where the Berlin wall once stood. Paid attendance is around 200,000 people, but it is estimated that the real attendance figure is somewhere around 600,000. Every penny of the gate went to the War-Dead Fund. I know most Daily Dirt readers are Pink Floyd fans (as is yer old pal Jerky), so I'll hold back on the snotty remarks, even though I could very easily say some nasty shit about Cindy Lauper, Joni Mitchell or Sinead O'Connor's contributions to the evening's festivities.

THEY SAID IT! "ABC NEWS REPORTER WHO FILED TROOP COMPLAINTS STORY - OPENLY GAY CANADIAN!" - Closeted Internet right-wing gossip columnist Matt "Eggy" Drudge put the above headline on his popular but dubious website after being fed the "scoop" from an unidentified inside source at the White House. The coward waited eight whole minutes before deciding this was too sleazy a tactic even for him (ha!), deciding to remove the reference to the journalist's sexuality from his headline link. *** *** *** "Bush loyalists regularly plant information they want known in the Drudge Report. Whoever dredged up the Advocate story was appealing to the baser nature of President Bush's base, seeking to discredit the ABC report by smearing the reporter for what he or she considers sins of private life (not straight) and passport (not American). … What we are witnessing is how ugly it can get when control freaks start losing control." - In discussing the implications raised by today's first quote, over-rated New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd gets one right for a change. Remember, if you aren't a New York Times member, you can use yer old pal Jerky's membership. Login: yeroldpaljerky / Password: Jerky

JOKES! Today's first jokes were sent in by our old pal George Dubya Bush, who now knows all about it, first hand. Q: Why does an elephant have four feet? A: Because it wouldn't work with six inches! *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Stu Evans for sending in today's Joke Bouquet. Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party? A: The cake jumps out of the girl. Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love? A: "Honey, I'm home." Q: What do you get if you cross a Hell's Angel with a Jehovah's Witness? A: Someone who knocks on your door on a Sunday morning and tells YOU to fuck off! Q: What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? A: Cough, gag, choke, etc. Q: What did one gay sperm say to another? A: How do we find an egg in all of this shit? Q: When is a pixie not a pixie? A: When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'. Q: How does every ethnic joke start? A: By looking over your shoulder. WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's shitty joke was sent in by Mister Hoo-Hah. A young cowboy walks into a saloon and orders a beer, sits down at the bar and starts enjoying his beer. Looking around he sees the bar is filled with some big, rough cowboys. Not wanting to draw attention to himself he just looks down at the bar and finishes his beer, all the while thinking this is one tough bar. He gets up to leave and realizes his need to take a piss. Quietly making his way to the pisser, he opens the door to discover three of the biggest, meanest cowboys from the bar lined up, one behind the other, fucking each other in the ass. Startled he runs back to the bar and tells the bartender "theres three guys in the bathroom fucking each other in some sort of gay train...!!" To which the bartender replies "Is the guy in the middle wearing a big black cowboy hat?" The youngster replies "Yes!" "Damn." says the bartender, "he's lucky in poker too!"

ASK JERKY! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Dear Jerky; I am a good-looking young woman who doesn't know much about sex, and I was wondering if you could tell me how long the average penis is. My boyfriends is 6 inches. Is that too long? Should I be worried about pain during sex? Or is that too small? Could you PLEASE help me. Signed: Confused Dear Confused; It would be my pleasure to clear this one up for you... the average penis is somewhere around nine inches long and seven inches around. Basically, if your boyfriend's penis isn't roughly the size of two cans of pop set one on top of the other, you're being cheated. At six inches, your current boyfriend would be well advised to start taking estrogen tablets and switch from slacks to skirts, as he was probably born a woman and nobody bothered to tell him. I mean, seriously, you must have figured SOMETHING was wrong when your own clitoris dwarfed his bone, right? You DO have a six inch clitoris, don't you? Hello?

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: IN DEFENSE OF THE F.E.B. (FULL ENGLISH BREAKFAST) Care of: Doctor Sedge Dear MOPJ, As shocked as I was to discover that you had not memorized correctly all the capitals of stinking rat, disease and filth ridden hell holes of the world I can forgive especially as I didn't know or give a flying fuck what the capital of Malaysia or Indonesia was. What I can't accept is that you of all people would berate the gorgeous traditional Full English Breakfast. It has been alleged that you are a lazy, fat, and Jabba The Hut like man who loves all the "good" foods - burgers pizza hot dogs and all that is cholesterol ridden within the food world, then you have the effrontery to abuse the LARDFEST that is the full English. Fried eggs, bacon, sausage, fried black pudding [do you guys get this dried pigs blood with lumps of fat in mmmmmmm] beans, fried tomatoes, fried mushrooms and best of all lard soaked fried bread are all a must on the good foods of life. We Anglo Breckophiles must demand a full retraction of any hint of defamation against our greasiest of culinary traditions by one of the most respected cholestorophiles in the universe with the threat that we will force you to eat nothing but WMD [Weightwatchers Meals for Dieters] accompanied by 1 cal diet soda tastes like fermented rat piss from Malaysia or was it Indonesia?? The only person who has ever to my knowledge eaten boiled beef was whoever that jerk who sang "boiled beef and carrots" in whatever stupid musical bore-o-rama the song came from. What you need is to try eating faggotts. I kid you not! Faggotts are meat balls made of minced heart and other offal - kidney liver etc. spiced and with lots of onion served in a thick rich gravy usually with mushy peas. Now that's culinary excellence for men unlike lasagne which is obviously for dieters and weak flatulent girly boys from Malaysia or was it Indonesia?! keep dirtying on a daily basis best wishes Doctor Sedge [You don't know how much you're hurting me, bud. Yer old pal Jerky has been put on a super-special diet by his team of doctors… you know, to help prevent heart explosion. Anyway, I was warned that in the first week of this particular diet, that I'd be craving foods I didn't even know existed. On Saturday night, it happened. I was sitting in the living room, watching TV, when I said to myself: "Man, I could really go for some stuffed onions right about now." I even had a picture of this non-existent food in my head; a nice, fat, red Spanish onion - baked and steaming - with the top chopped off and most of its insides scooped out, stuffed full of minced pork and peppers, fragrant with spices and maybe a hint of apple. Then, on Sunday afternoon, I spent a half hour in bed, half-awake and half-dreaming, fantasizing about eating an entire wedding cake. It was like a Volkswagen Beatle covered in white frosting, and I just dove into it with my mouth wide open. I'm not making this shit up, dude. It's sad. I'm like a fuckin' junkie or something. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com