HOORAY FOR CHEMICALS! WARNING! ATCHUNG! ATTENTION! The Daily Dirt is undergoing some server work which will make our Free Pics inaccessible for the next couple of days. This also helps to explain our recent "tardiness." Anyhoo, it's a temporary situation, we're working on it, and it will be remedied ASAP! So please hang in there, folks! We're doing our darnedest! *** **** *** Folks, it's a bittersweet day for yer old pal Jerky. His very favorite animal in the whole wide world - Archetuthis Dux, a.k.a. the Giant Squid - has been downgraded from the most horrifically Lovecraftian creature to roam our planet's seas, to the SECOND most horrifically Lovecraftian creature to roam our planet's seas. That's right, you read right… scientists have discovered, identified and verified the scale of an even BIGGER bottom-dwelling, multi-tentacular monster. All hail Mesonychoteuthis Hamiltoni, a.k.a. the Colossal Squid! "It's been known since 1925, but no one really paid any attention to it," New Zealand squid expert Dr. Steve O'Shea told BBC News Online, as he fondled the rotting carcass of a shockingly huge 'baby' Colossal Squid. "All we knew prior to this specimen coming through was that this animal lived in the abyssal environment down in Antarctica. Now we know that it is moving right through the water column - right up to the very surface - and it grows to a spectacular size. Now we can say that it attains a size larger than the Giant Squid." And not only is the Colossal Squid larger than the Giant Squid… with its massive beak and all the wicked, swiveling hooks that adorn its titanic tentacles, it's MEANER, too! Dr. O'Shea again: "When this animal was alive, it really has to be one of the most frightening predators out there. It's without parallel in the oceans. This animal is going to be a phenomenal predator and something you are not going to want to meet in the water." Unless, of course, you were hell-bent on committing "suicide by Squid," in which case you would want to meet it in the water. See? There's always an exception! *** **** *** Spike Jones Jr., son of the late and legendary musician/comedian Spike Jones, says Afro-American flop-maker Spike "it's all about me" Lee is a pathetic, egomaniacal runt who suffers from delusions of grandeur, and who should be hung from the testicles over a bed of burning coals because of his ridiculous nuisance lawsuit against the Viacom media group. Actually, Jones didn't really say all that stuff about the runt and the testicles and such. He just said he thought Lee's lawsuit was "frightening." But you know he was thinking that other stuff, right? I know yer old pal Jerky was! Anyway, in case you didn't know, Viacom property TNN (The Nashville/National Network) was set to change its name to Spike TV early this month (a stupid name, but that's beside the point) until Spike Lee decided to sue, saying they were appropriating his name and his "trademark abrasive, smart alecky personality." The lawsuit is still pending, but in the meantime, TNN has been forced to put the switchover on hold. Personally, I think they should take this opportunity to re-think their re-branding strategy. Maybe, instead of SpikeTV, the fine folks at Viacom should consider calling it JerkTV? I swear to Godzilla I won't sue your asses, guys! But you gotta promise to run Dirt stories in a crawl along the bottom of the screen. And pay me a million dollars per year. Or else I'll sue your asses. According to the L.A. Times, kids are emerging from showings of Pixar's latest animated feature, Finding Nemo, heading home and - in a misguided effort to replicate a thrilling rescue from the film - they're flushing their parents' tropical fishes down the crapper. Folks, we're not talking about a few isolated incidents, here. We're talking about a genuine, bona-fide epi-fuckin-demic of fish-flushing fuckery-do. One RotoRooter dispatch center reports nearly a hundred calls from people desperate to rescue fish their children have sent to their porcelain doom. Aquarium specialty stores are reporting the same thing. "I've had to explain to these young kids that flushing them doesn't take the fishes to where they would want to go," one store manager said. In fact, flushing a fishy pretty much guarantees it will die a gruesome and excruciating death. "Unless you live in Fiji, putting a saltwater fish into a toilet is sudden death. The fish go into shock, and their delicate bodies are damaged by the swirling journey out of the toilet bowl." And even if it survives the flushing process, the fish would still have to face the horrors of the sewer, with its chemicals, rats, toxic gasses and bacterial overload. The "flush" journey typically ends at a sewage treatment plant, where solid waste (like our hypothetical scaly pal) is removed and treated, then sold as fertilizer. Of course, you just knew the idiots at PETA would be putting their two cents in on this story. How could they resist? A spokesman the animal silliness organization bloviated thusly: "Any fishbowl is just a hellish prison. I hope parent would have the brains and the sense to tell their children fish are better left in their natural environment." Yeah… their natural environment. Where they can be eaten by predators, or torn apart by boat props, or polluted to death, or sexually molested by fish-rapist scuba-divers. Good call, PETArd! Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com

ON THESE DAYS! July 5 On this day of the year 2003, half the back yards in America stink of spent gunpowder, cheap beer, and boozy hot-dog vomit. Don't worry about it, though... they say it's good for the lawn! On this day in the year 1951, retro-rocker Huey Lewis is pulled, kicking and screaming, out of his mother's vagina. Fifty years later, the man who used to sing "I want a new drug" is probably enjoying the priapic benefits of the miracle-pill known as Viagra. Hey, Huey! You should write a SONG about that shit! Come back, man! America needs you!!! Today is Peace and National Unity Day in the African nation of Rwanda. Unfortunately, event planners have had to scale back the festivities and cancel this year’s parade, due to the fact Rwanda is, in fact, a festering hell-hole full of genocidal lunatics, where even the most diligent observer will find not a speck of anything even remotely resembling either Peace or Unity, no matter how hard they might try. July 6 Happy birthday to John Paul Jones, born on this day in 1747! John Paul was the sea-going hero who uttered the immortal words: "I have not yet begun to fight." John Paul also stunned the scientific community when he went on to play bass for Led Zeppelin, even though he was well into his two-hundred-and-thirties. Way to keep on rockin' JPJ! On this day in 1944, the Ringling Brothers Circus lives up to its stated goal of providing the "Greatest Show on Earth" when their big-top catches fire in Hartford, Connecticut. 170 people are roasted to their deaths in the infernal conflagration. Now THAT's a SHOWSTOPPER! On this day in 1456, in a case of closing the barn door after the horses have escaped, the tractor has been stolen and the barn, itself, has been reduced to kindling and rubble, a tribunal declares Joan of Arc to be innocent of the crimes for which she was burned at the stake. July 7 On this day in the year 1946, Mother Frances Xavier Cabrini - an Italian-American nun - becomes the first American citizen to achieve sainthood in the Catholic Church. So, what miracles did the good Mother perform in order to be inducted into the Hall of Saints? According to eyewitnesses, Mother Frances once turned a single pot of stew into enough thin soup to feed three dozen orphans, and legend has it the old girl could throw a wicked curve-ball! On this day in 1654, Jacob Barsimson arrives in Manhattan. He is the very first Jewish person to set foot in North America. Mormons, however, consider Jacob to be the second Jew to come to America, because they believe Jesus personally delivered his Good News to this continent's native peoples before bodily ascending into the heavens, for ever and ever. Amen.

THEY SAID IT! "It was one thing to work on a project which was hopefully going to illuminate the decision makers so they could see that weapons were easily designed. It was a rather different thing to go in and say, 'OK, for example, let's make a thermonuclear device that's only four inches in diameter.' That's an acceleration of the arms race, and I didn't really want to do that." - 40 years ago, when the USG wanted to find out how easy it would be for a country with no nuclear expertise to "crack the nuclear code" and build an A-bomb, they hired Dave Dobson, a young student, to give it a try. With a little determination, a bunch of physics textbooks and a couple functional brains, it took under three years. *** *** *** "We all perceive a different world because the brain is organizing it according to paterns the brain has created to organize. And those paterns seem to be created by our genetic programs, by our early imprints, by our subsequent conditioning, by our learning, and by whatever experiments we have done to re-program our nervous systems, which involve such things as yoga, psychotherapy, general semantics, neurolinguistic programming, psychedelic drugs, brain-tuning machines... And every time we reprogram our nervous system, our reality tunnel should change a little. If it doesn't, we haven't learned anything through that experiment and it was wasted time." - Science-fiction/conspiracy author Robert Anton Wilson is still kickin' it, freak-style, after all these years.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by our old pal Dave On Dope... A study in Wisconsin showed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. And if she is menstruating, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire. *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Troublewater for sending in today's second joke. The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out. During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY NuttyNutHead sent in this shitty joke. a man was in a resort in a hot tub nude.A women came in an she got in and the sope is fat and long.So she grabet the mans privet.and he scremed and grabed the sope and suffed it up her but.

ASK JERKY! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Hey Jerky Brother! Go to google.com and type in "weapons of mass destruction" (with or without quotes), then click the button below that says "I'm Feeling Lucky." Be sure to click the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button. Read the screen that pops up. Maybe I will read all of these messages in the future! Signed: billfedaskhow For those of you who don't want to go through that whole rigamarole, just click here. *** **** *** Dear Jerky, If I hear correctly, He who speaks with and hears god is going to pay Liberia a visit sponsored by the Marine Corp. This is a puzzelment as I don't believe Liberia has any oil. What do they have that He who hears god and his cronies want so bad? Did they confiscate Rice's oil tanker that's registered there and named after her? There are many worse wars and genocides taking place in Africa than there is in Liberia. Rwanda has been going on forever, and the slaughter is still going on. Signed: Woolly Bear I just have three points as an appendix to your letter. 1. According to the CIA, Liberia has gold and diamonds coming out their asses. 2. Getting involved in Rwanda at this point would be like digging up a corpse in a graveyard to perform CPR on it. 3. Chevron's "SS Condoleezza Rice" oil tanker was recently renamed the "SS Altair Voyager." Watch for it to dock at a port near you!

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: METAPHYSICS IS BULLSHIT! Care of: An Old Marine MOPJ; Reader Everett E. Allie has missed the point, is not seeing the forest for the trees, can't hear the sound of one hand clapping, etc. [See yesterday's Soapbox. - Jerky] There are really very few reasons why populations go to war, and all of them are very, very bad. The most noble of the justifications for war is self preservation. And the most noble reason for self preservation is self defense. But that is not why we are in Iraq. Another act of self preservative justification for war occurs during times of famine, when a population is literally starving; folks go steal food from their greedy neighbors. This is akin to the motive of pestilence, when disease is scouring a region (as is currently happening with AIDS in Africa). People fight to escape the disease, and their neighbors fight to prevent them from bringing it into THEIR homes. This exhausts the list of "good" reasons to go to war. The list of "bad" reasons to go to war is almost inexhaustible, but here is a "top five list of bad reasons to take up arms against one's neighbor." 5. GREED - Your neighbor has what you want, and you feel compelled to take it from him, even if this means WAR! THIS is why we are in Iraq. 4. ENVY - You are jealous of how good your neighbor has it, or of how powerful they have become, so you want to screw things up for them, even if it means WAR! THIS is why we got torched by religious fanatics on September 11th. 3. LUST - You like the taste of power, the palpable smell of a neighbor's fear, the orgasmic sensation of flexing your political and military muscles. THIS is why guys like Bush, Hitler, Ivan the Terrible, and Khan go to war. It is akin to the little kid who likes to burn ants with a magnifying glass. He loves the power orgy of scaring the hell out of a helpless creature. 2. MALEVOLENCE - You are just a mean son-of-a-bitch who likes to fight. History is chock full of these types, but this motive is often well masked by other motives. The late, great General Joe Wheeler, a son of Alabama and militarist of the War Between the States and the Spanish-American War, falls into this category. The following quote (which is indicative of a lack of concern about WHO we are fighting, or WHY) was attributed to him as he led troops in Cuba into battle: "Come on boys - let's kill us some o' these yankee son's-a-bitches!" 1. PRIDE - This is the worst of all reasons for a nation to take up arms against its neighbor, because it requires deceit on the part of national leadership and gullibility on the part of the population. Most nations, including America, don't have a cohesive consensus that will stir them to a point of conflict. Pride is the tool used most by manipulators (see WHITE HOUSE, FOX News, et al) to goad a sufficient number of combatants into supporting them in their quests, while their own TRUE motives are carefully masked. THIS is why there are so many willing warriors wearing the red, white, and blue in Southwest Asia at this moment. Quantum physics has a sexy feel to it. But when you seek answers to the question "why do people fight?" these answers, MUCH more often than not, will be found in the Classics! - YOP An Old Marine [Damn you, Old Marine! Now I can't get the image of Stephen Hawking in a black lace teddy and bannana-warmer thong out of my head! - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com