OSAMA BIN LADEN - JUST IN THE NICK OF TIME! The following is the full text of the recent Osama bin Laden audiotape, as translated by yer old pal Jerky, who speaks no Arabic. Hey guys! I'm baaaack! It's been a while. Didja miss me? Aw, c'mon. Don't be like that. You know as well as I do that your boring little lives wouldn't be half as interesting without a New World Order Boogie Man around to freak you out between trips to Wal-Mart. Speaking of which, a lot sure has happened since the last time we communicated. When was that again? Oh yeah! It was a couple days before the 2004 elections. That was fourteen months ago. Gee, time sure flies when you're living in a cave! But let's get down to business. I recorded this new message to the American people for three reasons. First, I wanted to talk about our plans to take over the world. As far as my fellow al-Qaeda mujihideen and I are concerned, things are progressing quite nicely. Sure, you've scored some points against us. The Hiroshima Crusader Army has sent nearly two dozen of our third-in-commands back to Allah. But even as I mumble these words into an untraceable cell-phone purchased by a sleeper agent embedded in one of your "convenience" stores, your military is caught in the double quagmire of strategic incompetence and the weak Western will. Praise be to Allah, the Pentagon's own figures show a continuing increase in the number of dead, wounded, and suicides! And most polls now show that Americans want to withdraw troops from Iraq. That puts a smile on my face, let me tell you! The second thing I would like to talk about is Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie having a baby. What's all that about?! As Allah is my witness, I thought both of them were lesbians! Finally, the third thing I'd like to discuss today are the terms of a potential truce between our peoples. Why do you laugh? I'm being serious! Come on, guys; we're all reasonable people here. And reasonable people want security and stability, which is exactly what I'm offering. Take a look at this list of conditions we came up with, and see if you don't think we can make a deal on this thing: OSAMA'S TOP 13 CONDITIONS FOR A TRUCE WITH AMERICA! 13. The Great Satan America must immediately pull all its troops from Iraq and Afghanistan, and shut down all its military bases in Muslim nations. Arab instruction manuals for all abandoned armaments must also be provided. 12. NBC must reverse its decision to cancel The West Wing. Taking that show off the air at this point would be an affront to the memory of John Spencer, peace be upon him. 11. The White House must make a full disclosure of its dealings with gangster lobbyist Jack Abramoff. Can you believe that guy?! Also, the Democrats must fillibuster Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito Jr. There's something about that guy I just don't trust. 10. Former Enron chief Ken Lay must be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. 9. Oprah must pick Rogue State: A Guide to the World's Only Superpower, by William Bloom, as her next "Book Club" selection. Failing that, she can choose any one of Stephen King's novels, up to but not including Tommyknockers. That guy writes some creepy-ass books! 8. Air America's Al Franken must immediately replace Rush Limbaugh on all Armed Forces Radio stations. That Stuart Smally really cracks me up. 7. Your President Bush must immediately stop eavesdropping on the American people and endorse the evolutionary theories of Charles Darwin, of which he is, himself, living proof. 6. This year's Academy Award for Best Picture must go to Brokeback Mountain. Switch the horses for camels and the cows for goats, and you've got a pretty good representation of an average Saturday night on the outskirts of Kabul. 5. This year's Academy Award for Best Actor must go to George Clooney, for his excellent portrayal of a fat, bumbling CIA officer in the most delightful feel-good comedy of the year, Syriana. Funny, funny stuff, George! 4. The word "God" on America's currency and its Pledge of Allegiance must be replaced with the words "Michael Moore". In Michael Moore We Trust has a nice ring to it, don't you think? 3. The states of Texas, New Mexico and California are to be immediately returned to the Mexican people, from whom they were so recently and unjustly stolen. 2. Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld and Wolfowitz must immediately surrender to the United Nations for prosecution as international war criminals. 1. A menu of hummus, falafels and "halal" kebabs must be provided at the truce-signing ceremony. If the food is of insufficient tastiness, the blood of your countrymen will rain down upon your infidel heads and the righteous Sword of Allah will split your Statue of Liberty from taint to tiara in one fell swoop! So, anyway, no pressure. Take your time going over the terms and conditions. Feel free to make a counter-proposal if you like. We Middle-Easterners may be fanatics, but we're not above a little haggling. In the meantime, keep in mind that our plans to strike at the heart of your Homeland are already at an advanced stage, and are ready to be launched at my say-so. Don't take that as a threat, however. It's just a friendly heads up to get this ball rolling. Jihad Allah Akhbar! Osama Bin Laden CEO, al-Qaeda Inc. *** **** *** Yer Old Pal Jerky's Words of Wisdom #313: 300 lbs is the new 200 lbs. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY January 20 On this day in 1977, having laid the groundwork for the evil to come, George Herbert "Poppy" Walker Bush ends his term as CIA director. On this day in 1989, Ronald Reagan becomes the first President elected in a "0" year since 1840 to leave office alive. Oh well... better luck next time! On this day in 1991, the media informs the American public that Patriot missiles have successfully begun shooting down Iraqi Scud missiles. Ten years later, investigations would expose the lie. During the entire Gulf War, the Patriot didn't bring down a single Scud. On this day in 1995, Mexicans rejoice as the Russian ruble drops to 3,947 per American dollar, thus making the peso look good by comparison. January 21 On this day in 1977, President Jimmy Carter pardons most Vietnam War draft evaders. Canadian real estate prices go into freefall. On this day in 1994, lizard-eyed psycho-bitch Lorena Bobbitt is found "temporarily insane" for chopping off her (literally) retarded husband John Wayne Bobbitt's penis and throwing it into an open field. That's so typical, man. You just know JW would still be rotting behind bars right now if the roles had been reversed, and he'd chopped off her penis. On this day in 1998, Pope John Paul II pays the first ever papal visit to Cuba. Unfortunately, his thunder was stolen by the Great Blowjob Panic of '98, which started on that very same day. January 22 Happy Birthday, CIA! With a little help from a whole lotta Nazis, the Central Intelligence Agency rises phoenix-like from the ashes of the OSS on this day in 1946. On this day in 1824, the Ashantis crush British forces in Africa's Gold Coast. Fifty-five years later, in 1879, the Zulus defeat British forces at the Battle of Isandlwana. In both cases the tables were eventually turned and troubled colonies, established.

THEY SAID IT! "I love you, Gary!" - When it comes to finding out if your woman's been cheating on you with some asshole by the name of Gary, man's best friend isn't a dog. It's a parrot named Ziggy. *** **** *** "People say to me 'How can she win, she's 20 points behind in the polls?' and I say, 'Polls mean nothing at this point in the campaign'. The way she's going to win is the same way Jeb won and President Bush won." - Ed Rollins, GOP strategist and former political director for Ronald Reagan, broadcasts the fact that they're going to be rigging Florida's 2006 senatorial vote in election theft co-conspirator Katherine Harris' favor.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Gilles! The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help. One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc. "Now do you understand?" he asked. "I think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us?" *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Trembly Dale for sending in today's second joke. A blonde is suffering from a sore throat so she goes to see the doctor. She explains the problem to the doctor, who asks her to sit down. He gets out his light and says, "Open wide." "I can't," replies the blonde, "this chair has arms." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Henry Bent. The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $50. Go and buy yourself some underwear." Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!" Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of Jesus Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any." The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jesus 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: THINGS YOU'D LIKE TO SAY AT WORK (BUT CAN'T) care of: Andy S. 1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit. 2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 3. How about never? Is never good for you? 4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way. 6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. 7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message. 8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. 9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying. 10. Ahhh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again. 11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid. 12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. 13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn. 14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. 17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. 18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. 19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks! 20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. 21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. 22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. 23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...? 24. Do I look like a people person? 25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. 26. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left. 27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. 28. If I throw a stick, will you leave? 29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. 30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed it. 31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. 32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. 33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1? 34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. 35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? 36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done. 37. How do I set a laser printer to stun? 38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary. 39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon? 40. Oh I get it... it's like humor, but different. [About half of that was funny. Which makes it perfect Daily Dirt material! - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! Hey Jerks! Lonnnnnnnggggg Time Reader, First time writer, you want hate mail, well, here ya go! Fuck You you big fat fuckwad, weird looking fucker with a shitty beard! Get a fucking life why dontcha?! Is this all you got to do all day long is sit around and read hate mail?! I mean Jeez! Jerks! BY the way dude, keep up the good fight, we march on right behind you all the way to hell! Stay Cool Jerks, Have a Great Day! Jon T [Thanks for the bash attempt, JT, but I can tell your heart's not in it. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; re: the world's best blond joke... I don't get it. Sincerely, Groucho DiVinci [Apparently, it's not meant to be gotten. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hail Jerky One, In response to Lord Venom. He is absolutely right on the upper crust bars serving garbage cola in their systems. You don't get what you pay for in a "classy" bar. That's why, if I am forced to frequent them, I will purchase a can or bottle of Coca Cola or bring my own. I can tell the difference in a heart beat. Many "classy" places do not allow patrons to bring their own mixers, and I avoid them like the plague. Cheers, YOPMick (Ps: I, also, bring my own Coke. LOL) [See? I KNEW it was making a comeback! - Jerky] *** **** *** mopj, my drink of choice is 100 proof southern comfort and diet dr. pepper. scoot [What do you call that drink, besides "gay"? - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky; Can we ask Pat Robertson if Ariel Sharon is going to be the new Terry Shiavo? He blinked but we dont know if that means anything! Jethro [Nested questions... interesting! - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky, Don't pull an Erica Jong on me. If you don't carry a Glock 9mm in your waistband, the odds of an oral cavity search are minimal! Beside's... there is a VERY occasional "hottie" who will do the honors. I must admit that most of the security staff (female) are overweight, over aggressive, overly unattractive and vastly overpaid. If you can book a flight on Hawaiin Airlines, the chances for a very enjoyable flight go up. Aloha Air is the 2nd choice. Stay off United or Delta. Just my personal opinion. Sorry about your fragile ego. We ALL have our little crosses to bear... don't we? Keep up the good work. Yours for more of everything, Mauimaven [Erica Jong?! - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerk-off: Please educate Ms Fred, Nixon was NOT impeached. I know that is to your chagrin. Chucky [He was chased out. That's just as good. - Jerky] *** **** *** Dear Jerky; Thanx for printing my letter last week. I showed it to my wife and she was thrilled that you said "Hell No" to the question of was it wrong to share her. Since then she's been a changed woman. She believes, as I do, that if you're smart enough to run the Daily Dirt you must be some kind of expert. So now she's a raging nymphomaniac. It's great and it's, in part, due to you. Roegster [You're welcome! - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com